You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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