Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
