I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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