Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
