Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
