My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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