hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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