I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
