My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
