my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
