i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
