You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
