So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
