Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Im part way to drunk.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
