remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
