i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
