I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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