apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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