i wish there were pregnant emoticons
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am one with the molecules
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
how does that bad decision feel?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
