I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
