Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
