True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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