my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
