Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
