I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
