Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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