Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
