if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your cock deserves a montage
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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