the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I am midnight drunk by noon
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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