I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Even my vagina gasped.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
