I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
