She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
