I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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