Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
