Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
