first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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