NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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