On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
