omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
