Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
