Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
