ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
