I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
