I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
