you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
