so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
