i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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