So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
