I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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