the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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