I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
